It is so frustrating to constantly be dependant upon others. I can no longer do anything alone- get up, shower, go to the bathroom, dress, eat, ANYTHING! I require assistant- a personal attendant if you will. I have many attendants- each has their own quirks. Monday through Friday I have the warden, yes the warden. My great grandmother in law, who tells me what I can and cannot eat. I am 31 years old- if I want a pop tart for breakfast- I want a pop tart, not raisin bran (and FYI Raisin bran has more sugar than the pop tart!!) She is concerned that even though the doctors, surgeons and physical therapist have told me to not be up and about, that I need to be up more! "It isn't good for you to stay in be all day." I constantly feel like I have to explain to her that this is what I supposed to be doing. What she doesn't realize is that it is difficult for me to get in and out of the recliner or couch. I sometimes sit elsewhere when Matt is home but he has to lift me up. As sad an pathetic as it sounds I no longer have a husband- I have a caretaker (I must admit this is better than an undertaker, haha). Romance and partnership are lacking in my life. He is so busy caring for myself and the kids our relationship has slowly dissenigrated into nothingness. We no longer sleep together, my bedside covered with books, ereaders, laptop computers to make the time I spend here go a little faster-my subtle way to justify the lack of a partner during the long nights I lay awake, Matthew snoring on the couch. Matt loves me I know, but he does not understand me. He does not understand my fears- he thinks they are silly. Matt likes to make fun at my expense. It is hurtful because he does not understand how traumatic this accident has been on my psyche. Confident, positive Rachel was injured that day mentally and physically. I saw things and experienced things that people shouldn't experience. I am grateful and blessed to be alive- but also scared to live. Fear and anxiety have taken over my life like weeds in a garden. I am uneasy about our future. I wonder how our roles will even out in time when I am more able to care for myself and the kids. I miss the relationship we once had the connection between husband and wife, the intimacy of partners. My role as a mother has changed too. I can no longer be left alone to watch the girls. Molly and Sophi can stay with me for short periods of time. They have to be independent- be able to get drinks, food, toys and bathroom by themselves. They are big enough to understand but still get frustrated with each other and me when I can't help them. Gabi, the baby cannot stay alone with mommy at all. She is squirmy and difficult to handle. She and Sophi go to babysitter more often now than when I worked, sad but true. I wonder at times if Gabi will bond with me. Babies bond with mom in the first year and Gabi and I are missing out on that. A positive realationship has started with my Father in Law, Rod. He takes me to appointments and checks in on me if I am alone. He has had similar surgeries and understands my pain. He also is so confident that I almost never get nervous in the truck with him- it's almost like I can borrow his confidence- I feel safe. I can talk to Rod about anything or nothing. Sometimes we just sit in silence- and that is okay too. I have had other relationships change but I'm not ready to talk about them yet...another post to come.