Here I sit another sleepless night- it's 3am and I am lonely. I started therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder this week. Being a good girl I have taken my sleepless time to read the chapter in my workbook that has been assigned for the week. The first exercise is called my ability to cope with stress- and I have no flipping clue how to answer! The hardest thing about everything that has happend since the accident is that I have "old Rachel responce" and "new Rachel responce." Just so everyone can be clued in to what I mean, I will give a few examples: Old Rachel Response answers: I like to be with people, I am conscientious in the work I do, I am agreeable, I believe that my source of personal power lies within me, I am confident in my own ablities, I try to find meaning in life experiences, I break situations down into managable parts, I'm generally an optimistic person, I am a CONTROL FREAK, I can overcome bad situations, I have faith, I am spiritual, I have hope, I think of how others feel, I like structure in life, like to feel useful- likes to work and care for others New Rachel Response: I miss my friends and family but I am too scared to go out most of the time and they just don't understand this, I am powerless- life is happening to me and I feel out of CONTROL, I am worthless- I no longer have the ability to do anything that has meaning, I can't take care of myself let alone anyone else, I am in the way. I do not feel hopeful any longer, I feel numb and sometimes sad- numb is better than sad. I still care how other's feel, - I am just one more mouth to feed- one more bill to pay- I have nothing to contribute or help- I just am here, taking up space, hogging the tv, getting in the way of others plans. I feel like I have care takers- I no longer feel like I have relationships ( wife-husband, nurse-patient, mother-child, daughter-mother) a burden to my family. unable to have an intimate relationship On sad days, I miss myself, I loathe what has overcome me. Today, I know, will be like yesterday and the day before. My days don't change anymore. Everyday, I have sadness and emptyness in my heart. I want for things to be better, to be back to normal. And then I try to stand and I can't walk unassisted. I can't pick up my baby or chase after my 5 year old. I can't fix dinner, shower and dress without the assistance of someone else or sleep in the bed next to my husband. I am so afraid and nervous of the car I become physically ill when I know I have to go out to doctor's appointments. I am no longer me. I know when I dissappeared but don't know where I went to...or how to get ME back.