for better or worse- to death do we part...

So here I sit at 4am...already feeling failure for my day. You ask why? My husband can no longer even stand to sleep with me. I know that our relationships has changed. He has accepted a caretaker role and I am no longer a partner. I have felt myself as a burden- this feeling taking seed deeper as the months of my recovery continue on with no end in sight. I am just another child for him to care for- feed, bathe, clothe- at least he doesn't have to diaper me and at this point I can go to the potty like a big girl. Intimacy lost somewhere in the months as they slowly pass us by. Kisses no longer resembling that of husband and wife, but pecks on the cheeck or forehead that you would give your grandmother. I wonder if our marriage will make it through this hell. I know that I need his support and love more than ever. I know I have new found love for him for not running away the moment this happend. He does take care of me and provides me with what I need to live. He makes sure I'm taken care of when he can't be here. I know he thinks I'm crazy and extreme. My fears and insecurities annoy him and make me the butt of many jokes. Somewhere deep inside I think maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is payback for being independent- for all the times I rejected intimacy because I was too busy with life- KIDS, work, house, KIDS! Can our marriage make it past this? I don't have the answer now. I do know I WANT my marriage to make it more than ever. I love him and need him in my life. Hopefully this will be enough...maybe as I return to a "more normal" functioning helpful wife again, our relationship will return to what it once was and then some. Maybe I will have to get used to a shift in roles and roll with the punches. Daily I continue to be reminded- life is ever changing- and accept that my roll as his wife and partner has changed but remain hopeful when looking towards the future of our relationship, because it will continue to change- for better or worse- till death do we part.

So you say you do nothing right? Here is a clue...

So I make you feel like you do nothing right? Maybe you consider what has happend in the last 6 months. You were not the only person in the accident. 3 other members of my immediate family and myself were there too. I was SEVERELY hurt. I understand that you were hurt as well, but do you understand the SEVERITY of my injuries? You seem to blow them off. Well guess what? These injuries have RUINED my life, in more ways than one. I have lost a career that I LOVED. I have LOST a year or more of hands on care of my children- I have lost important bonding time with my baby. FINANCIALLY- well that's just a joke- we are ruined. When people ask you how I am you tell them fine. NEWSFLASH: I AM NOT FINE. I AM A MESS PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, and EMOTIONALLY. All the help people offer you? Well maybe you could mention we need help too? I have had more surgeries than you and have been non weight baring a LOT longer than you. My fractures were just as severe as yours. My fractures aren't healing. My doctor says I will not be able to do things that I one did. I will be physically disabled for the rest of my life. I'm not sure you get that? Maybe you do and you just don't care. I know you want me to be positive. It's hard. I feel like everything I have worked so hard for has been flushed down the toilet. Your family? They need to stop the bs. I was driving the car- I always drove you! The only time I didn't drive you is when I was pregnant(and then I had to hear how I was so hard on you and that I shouldn't be having Gabi. Funny how that works, your nephew can lots of crack babies that he DOES NOT support and lives with his mom but no one seems to care if he has another baby with any old crack head...they even send him money- you find "work" around the house for him...I don't get it.). Pretty much any other time I took you whereever you needed to go. The accident was not my fault in anyway whatsoever, even if I was driving. Their logic makes no FLIPPING sense! Our relationship? Hmmmmm. Where to start? You chose my brother once again over me last fall. You say that you didn't but you did. You say you are disappointed with him for what he said, but he still gets whatever he wants. I bought you the pots and pans you asked for at Christmas. He bought you a television. My gift sits unopened in the closet (unless his baby mama decided to open them, they might be hers now) while he has taken the what he bought you for his own personal use. You buy yourself a new television. Why didn't you just ask for your tv back from him? Makes no sense to me. And the house? I understand why you asked them to move in and help you. However you let them take over. They took all pictures of MY children down, I still don't know why other than to make us feel unwelcome. You let them get rid of YOUR furniture to move theirs in. You got rid of my daughter's bedroom so your grandson could have a room. HE DOESN'T even use it!!! It was flipping pointless. It was done to be cruel to my daughters. All the toys being removed from the room was just plain mean. Fine if you want to hurt me- make a point to me, but leave the little girls out of it. Screaming at them for drawing with chalk? This is why we don't come over and won't. You also have a really bad habit of choosing one of my children over the other two. Guess what? She isn't coming to visit anymore either. And yes the other little girl has noticed. She actually says she doesn't want to see you anymore because you make her mommy cry and don't like her. Sometimes I wonder if you don't like her because she looks like me? So- you wonder what is going on? This is it. Actually this is just the tip of the iceberg.

It is so frustrating to constantly be dependant upon others. I can no longer do anything alone- get up, shower, go to the bathroom, dress, eat, ANYTHING! I require assistant- a personal attendant if you will. I have many attendants- each has their own quirks. Monday through Friday I have the warden, yes the warden. My great grandmother in law, who tells me what I can and cannot eat. I am 31 years old- if I want a pop tart for breakfast- I want a pop tart, not raisin bran (and FYI Raisin bran has more sugar than the pop tart!!) She is concerned that even though the doctors, surgeons and physical therapist have told me to not be up and about, that I need to be up more! "It isn't good for you to stay in be all day." I constantly feel like I have to explain to her that this is what I supposed to be doing. What she doesn't realize is that it is difficult for me to get in and out of the recliner or couch. I sometimes sit elsewhere when Matt is home but he has to lift me up. As sad an pathetic as it sounds I no longer have a husband- I have a caretaker (I must admit this is better than an undertaker, haha). Romance and partnership are lacking in my life. He is so busy caring for myself and the kids our relationship has slowly dissenigrated into nothingness. We no longer sleep together, my bedside covered with books, ereaders, laptop computers to make the time I spend here go a little faster-my subtle way to justify the lack of a partner during the long nights I lay awake, Matthew snoring on the couch. Matt loves me I know, but he does not understand me. He does not understand my fears- he thinks they are silly. Matt likes to make fun at my expense. It is hurtful because he does not understand how traumatic this accident has been on my psyche. Confident, positive Rachel was injured that day mentally and physically. I saw things and experienced things that people shouldn't experience. I am grateful and blessed to be alive- but also scared to live. Fear and anxiety have taken over my life like weeds in a garden. I am uneasy about our future. I wonder how our roles will even out in time when I am more able to care for myself and the kids. I miss the relationship we once had the connection between husband and wife, the intimacy of partners. My role as a mother has changed too. I can no longer be left alone to watch the girls. Molly and Sophi can stay with me for short periods of time. They have to be independent- be able to get drinks, food, toys and bathroom by themselves. They are big enough to understand but still get frustrated with each other and me when I can't help them. Gabi, the baby cannot stay alone with mommy at all. She is squirmy and difficult to handle. She and Sophi go to babysitter more often now than when I worked, sad but true. I wonder at times if Gabi will bond with me. Babies bond with mom in the first year and Gabi and I are missing out on that. A positive realationship has started with my Father in Law, Rod. He takes me to appointments and checks in on me if I am alone. He has had similar surgeries and understands my pain. He also is so confident that I almost never get nervous in the truck with him- it's almost like I can borrow his confidence- I feel safe. I can talk to Rod about anything or nothing. Sometimes we just sit in silence- and that is okay too. I have had other relationships change but I'm not ready to talk about them yet...another post to come.

Here I sit another sleepless night- it's 3am and I am lonely. I started therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder this week. Being a good girl I have taken my sleepless time to read the chapter in my workbook that has been assigned for the week. The first exercise is called my ability to cope with stress- and I have no flipping clue how to answer! The hardest thing about everything that has happend since the accident is that I have "old Rachel responce" and "new Rachel responce." Just so everyone can be clued in to what I mean, I will give a few examples: Old Rachel Response answers: I like to be with people, I am conscientious in the work I do, I am agreeable, I believe that my source of personal power lies within me, I am confident in my own ablities, I try to find meaning in life experiences, I break situations down into managable parts, I'm generally an optimistic person, I am a CONTROL FREAK, I can overcome bad situations, I have faith, I am spiritual, I have hope, I think of how others feel, I like structure in life, like to feel useful- likes to work and care for others New Rachel Response: I miss my friends and family but I am too scared to go out most of the time and they just don't understand this, I am powerless- life is happening to me and I feel out of CONTROL, I am worthless- I no longer have the ability to do anything that has meaning, I can't take care of myself let alone anyone else, I am in the way. I do not feel hopeful any longer, I feel numb and sometimes sad- numb is better than sad. I still care how other's feel, - I am just one more mouth to feed- one more bill to pay- I have nothing to contribute or help- I just am here, taking up space, hogging the tv, getting in the way of others plans. I feel like I have care takers- I no longer feel like I have relationships ( wife-husband, nurse-patient, mother-child, daughter-mother) a burden to my family. unable to have an intimate relationship On sad days, I miss myself, I loathe what has overcome me. Today, I know, will be like yesterday and the day before. My days don't change anymore. Everyday, I have sadness and emptyness in my heart. I want for things to be better, to be back to normal. And then I try to stand and I can't walk unassisted. I can't pick up my baby or chase after my 5 year old. I can't fix dinner, shower and dress without the assistance of someone else or sleep in the bed next to my husband. I am so afraid and nervous of the car I become physically ill when I know I have to go out to doctor's appointments. I am no longer me. I know when I dissappeared but don't know where I went to...or how to get ME back.